BREAKING NEWS: Apple announces stopping the Apple Watch, cracked under pressure of Swiss Watch Industry

Just as the heavy-hitters of the Swiss Watch Industry were about to throw in the towel and to all convert to smart watch line-ups, the master of industrial disruption, Apple, call it quits with their Apple Watch product, due to pressure engaged by Swiss Watch Industry. War is over, the Apple Watch is cancelled.

The technophiles in Cupertino have abandoned their “never say die” attitude. Not on decrypting that iPhone, which virtually any street kid who steals iPhones for a living can do in under 15 minutes, but in the war against the Swiss Watch Industry. In a stunning reversal of their position as presumed leader of the watch industry, Apple have opted to cancel the Apple Watch product line going forward.

In a startling press-release that was posted on their website for about 5 minutes last night and then immediately taken down, Apple CEO Tim Cook explained that the Apple Watch was a huge failure on several key levels. He went on to state that for one thing, it was never actually a watch, but rather a computing device, stating that it was always ‘actually just an iPod Nano with a fancy strap!‘

Later in the press release, he somewhat sullenly admitted that the Apple Watch never really did anything unique, saying that most if not all of the stand-alone functions of the Apple Watch had been built into watches and other small-scale mechanical devices before. Other functions like being able to check your email and chat messages he said ‘didn’t count’ because you still needed to use your smartphone to do anything meaningful with those messages. It was at this point that he went into a rather petulant rant about how he never wanted to call it the “Apple Watch” anyway – that it was supposed to be the “iWatch” but the marketing people said the name was “stupid” and that evoked voyeuristic imagery and that they didn’t want to go there with this particular product.

The final part of the hastily posted and revoked press release said that the Apple Watch could NEVER have competed in the luxury segment of the market because when you boil it all down, the Apple Watch is a product that is mass-produced in China. And (unless you’re talking about xiao long bao aka soup-dumplings) that is never luxurious. Remaining stocks of Apple Watches are still for sale in Apple Stores, if you want it. Pivotal word being: if.

When asked for a comment, Tag Heuer CEO, Jean-Claude Biver (sounding very troubled) said “Does this mean we still have to deliver all of those mechanical chronographs we promised to the buyers of our smartwatch?” He then erupted into a Swiss-German tirade that we could not fully translate. We were only able to make out the following “It seems that our motto Don’t Crack Under Pressure isn’t applying to Apple…” and “I’m going back to my farm and make cheese. At least my cows understand what they can and cannot do, and stick to one thing”.